As a society, we do not discuss what infertility, pregnancy, or postpartum really looks like for women. We don’t even broach the subject of postpartum depression or anxiety after having the baby beyond the first doctor’s appointment after birth – typically 6 weeks post-birth. Yes, we are given a questionnaire to fill out for the doctors to gauge our anxiety and depression levels, but we can lie. I lied on mine because I didn’t want to be seen as bad mother or like I couldn’t handle the pressures of being a new mom. I have heard the same thing from other mothers. And we only typically have 1 postpartum check-up if nothing is flagged on the questionnaire. Last time I checked, the postpartum journey last for much longer than 6 weeks with different seasons throughout it. One questionnaire isn’t going to solve much. Well, let me tell you, I wish I knew what life might look like after I got pregnant and had my baby – as I am sure many other mothers do too.
While I have not experienced postpartum depression or anxiety, I have experienced intrusive thoughts and moments where I not only felt overwhelmed by everything I was juggling, but that I felt done being around my baby. This breaks my heart to say out loud (or type) because I love my son so much and cannot imagine my life without him. But I have had waves of a few days where I felt done being around him and being in the same routine each and every day. Not being able to leave the house for an extended period of time during recovery made that hard for me. This happened for the first time around 3 months postpartum and happened again at his 6 month sleep regression. Each time was a bit different because I started feeling like a failure as a mother and like I couldn’t connect with my son anymore (or that I didn’t want to). I had a mix of guilt, shame, and sadness for feeling like this. I was even scared to tell my husband how I was feeling. But, I am glad I did.
Even though he could not experience exactly what I was feeling, he listened and supported me. He made sure to take baby duties (other than breast-feeding) off of my plate each night when he came home from work and on his off days. He would handle extra chores that I couldn’t get to or when he saw that I needed a break. Without his support and encouragement, I would have fallen into a deep depression and would not have known how to address it. This is why it matters who you choose to spend your life with. Not only am I sure he will be an excellent father, I know that I can count on him to support me through all of my ups and downs.
I know our hormones are going crazy during this time of our lives – especially when we have more babies throughout our pregnancy years. But, I don’t think mothers or soon to be mothers have any idea what to expect emotionally once they become pregnant or have a child. I also think that we do not address the hardships that some women face when trying to get pregnant and the emotional toll that takes on them and their partners. There are so many different journeys and paths to starting a family: traditionally, surrogacy, IVF, adoption as examples. Each one has its own level of stigma to it (some more than others) and women are not equipped to understand their changing bodies, needs, or emotions. Supportive partners are step one to making the pregnancy and postpartum journey easier or even just bearable.
We need to discuss pregnancy and postpartum life more for women so there is more support for them outside of their immediate family. There needs to be more than just one appointment to address postpartum depression and anxiety because let me tell you, A LOT of my intrusive thoughts came after that appointment, and I had no preparation on how to deal with them. I had to learn what would work for me and my son with the support of my husband.
And, all of this is to say that you are not alone. Just like I am not alone in this. There are mom’s who worry and have varying degrees of anxiety or even depression. But, you are not alone. The goal is to raise happy and healthy babies as best as we are able. And having people who can relate to your experiences and walk through it with you are so important. We are all in this TOGETHER.
Copyright 2023 Jessica Nash. All rights reserved.
