I have been racking my brain this whole year to understand why moms come under so much scrutiny. It is even more appalling to me when the judgement or scrutiny is from other moms. Other moms who know what pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood is like. Even more, when people won’t keep their opinions to themselves about how a certain child should be raised. This year has put all of that into perspective for me and really made me do some self-reflection.
Confession: I’ve passed judgement too
Let’s be real. I could not write this post without being completely honest with all of you. Before I became a mother, I passed judgement on other moms (specifically moms, not dads – funny how that works in our society). I could use the cop out and say that it was because I didn’t really know what it was like. But that’s a pathetic excuse. I could have sympathized or done more research before passing blind judgement. But no, I did neither of those.
I remember passing the most judgement over my sister. My sister is 4 years younger than me and had her first baby at age 20. So she was young and maybe even a little scared. As the older sister, I would offer unsolicited advice and make remarks that I had no business making. Looking back, I did not make her postpartum life any easier.
For example, I was hard on her about continuing a pumping schedule so she wouldn’t lose her supply for my nephew and have to switch to formula. Both breastfeeding and formula have stigma to them for different reasons. My sister really did not want to give my nephew formula but, in my eyes at the time, she wasn’t doing enough to ensure her supply would last. Inevitably, she got very sick and dried up with very little in the freezer. She ended up having to give him formula from 6 months until 1 year. At the time, I remember reminding her of what it could have been like if she stuck to a pumping schedule. Looking back, I am humiliated with how I handled that. She was distraught and upset with herself because she had to switch to formula which was not her plan. And I was not there to support her. That is just one example during her postpartum period that I was not the supportive sister I should have been.
Looking ahead
Once I became pregnant and then had Cooper, I learned all of the judgement and opinions I passed and held were so incredibly unfair to the mothers. Pregnancy, postpartum, and motherhood are not easy. And there is so little support for mothers. I am incredibly lucky to have a wonderful husband who has supported me throughout the entire process and does everything he can to make sure I feel loved. But, I know there are moms that do not have this. The least I can do is lend my support.
I have friends who are struggling with different parts of motherhood: schedules, napping, weight loss/gain for themselves and the baby, among so many other things. Some of my friends have told me the harsh words or judgement that they have heard from some of their other friends. One of my friends has been trying to get her daughter on somewhat of a nap schedule but her daughter just doesn’t seem to want to nap (FYI – nothing wrong with that!). But she keeps hearing people close to her tell her that she needs to get her daughter on a schedule with 2 naps and she is hearing others brag about how their child is already on a 2 nap schedule. Unfortunately, this just makes my friend feel like she is doing something wrong. Newsflash, she’s not!
Every baby is different. Not every baby naps twice a day in their crib. Some need to be held or in the car or in their swing. Some babies, Coop included, might only nap for 40 minutes at a time. FOMO is real for these littles. The best thing that we can do for the babies and other moms is be supportive.
We need to keep our opinions to ourselves and not pass judgement on other mothers. From one mother to another, I cannot imagine making another mom feel like she is less than or doing something wrong with HER child. But, this happens all the time! It is unfortunate, but I am hopeful that with the Internet and more parents voicing what it truly is like to be a mother will help break stigma and lead to more supportive conversations. We are all in this together and have one common goal: to raise the best littles that we can.
Copyright 2023 Jessica Nash. All rights reserved.
